About Hearnco Laboratories

Founded in 1823 as a manufacturer of poultices, tonics, and salves for minor aches and pains, Hearnco Laboratories is now a leader in the burgeoning field of physiological manipulation through chemistry. Under the steady leadership of Dr. Dirk Hearn (following the untimely demise of his father, Dr. Kirk Hearn), Hearnco has expanded its campus and facilities to become the largest employer in Manville.

Dr. Kirk Hearn (Deceased)

From Family Tragedy...

Dr. Kirk Hearn, pioneering research physician and Hearnco CEO, was tragically lost at sea on a fishing expedition off the coast of San Pio Island. His remains were never recovered, but he was pronounced dead in 1953 and given full funeral honors by the city of Manville.

...To Family Legacy

As the eighth Dr. Hearn to lead Hearnco, Dr. Kirk’s only son, Dirk, picked up his father’s mantle and research into women’s special needs. His tenure has been marked by massive expansion of the Hearnco brand, along with a rise in its reputation. His dedication to the company and his work are without parallel; The shrieks and cries heard day and night from the laboratory on the hill prove that science never sleeps!

Dr. Dirk Hearn

The Hysterex® Scandal…

The Drug

Responding to Manville’s overwhelming public outcry for a medicinal therapy to treat “female trouble” (and men’s trouble with females), Hearnco Laboratories focused its research and development on Hysterex®, a revolutionary hormone concoction designed to address the excessive “emotionality” of women with a reconfiguring load of synthetic estrogen and testosterone.

 

The Truth

Just as a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, Dr. Dirk Hearn reluctantly conceded at a recent press conference that even his own labs are not immune to human error. His trusted assistant, Dr. Robert Kirkpatrick, was outed for making a blunder of epic proportions.

 

The Flub

When Dr. Robert failed to follow Dr. Hearn’s written Hysterex® formula to the letter, the experimental drug was botched, leading to the creation of the she-beast marauders currently menacing Manville.

 

The Press

Though the scandal sheets and tabloid rags are running wild with irresponsible yellow journalism, Hearnco is committed not only to rectifying this current mishap, but continuing to diligently pursue scientific breakthroughs with stricter safeguards.

 

The Remedy

The brilliant Dr. Dirk Hearn has devised a foolproof plan to lure the so-called “Ladies Revenge Club” back to his laboratory and administer his newly created antidote to end this feminine scourge once and for all. View “Understanding Ladies, Understanding the Ladies Revenge Club” (slideshow at right) for details.

(Click above to enlarge slideshow)